Srila Prabhupada – my hope, my life and soul

1969. The Vietnam War; student protesters; drugs; Harvard Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. I was 24, college drop-out, driving a school bus for blind children and working as a waitress. Looking for answers. What is the meaning of life? How can I be happy? Why is there so much suffering?

Only one person out of the many that I actually asked had any answer at all. A nurse in the mental hospital where I finally found myself. Her answer was, “There’s nothing wrong with you, you just don’t have any faith in God.” Her words resounded in my heart. They were the Truth. I wanted to know the Truth. Shortly after that I met Srila Prabhupada. A friend dragged me to a lecture at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) to hear a real Swami speak. Because of Srila Prabhupada’s unfamiliar accent, I couldn’t follow what He was saying. Srila Prabhupada asked for questions after his lecture.

My friend asked something about impersonalism. As Srila Prabhupada was leaving the room, he looked back at my friend who didn’t notice. I caught Prabhupada’s glance. I will never forget it. The entire spiritual world was in that glance. One night while undergoing a psychedelic experience, I heard the Govindam prayers on the radio. Yamuna Devi’s chanting had a profound effect on me. The radio station told me the name of the album. The record store said they were all out, to call the Hare Krishna Temple at that time in Brighton just outside Boston. Whoever answered the phone at the temple hung up on me saying they didn’t have any albums. Two years later I found the album in the second hand pile at the record shop. When I played it, the same thing happened as when I had first heard it. I was overwhelmed. I made my mind up to visit the Boston temple. It was Janmastami (the appearance day of Lord Krishna).

There were only a few devotees at the temple, most had gone to New Vrindavana in West Virginia for the festival. The big beautiful painting of Narada Muni carrying his vina (stringed musical instrument) was there to greet everyone who entered the brightly painted temple, a two story wooden structure from the 1940s, canary blue outside and all sorts of colors inside, like the paintings in a first edition Krishna Book, chartreuse, yellow, saffron, each room brightly painted, fresh and clean, and filled with the aroma of incense and the many prasadam offerings being made that day.

This was like a dream, that there could be such a group of people. They were so bright and clear looking. The usual lines of anxiety I saw on people’s faces were completely missing. They all had round faces like moons and eyes like deep pools of refreshing water. Their voices were sweet and melodious. Time for kirtan (chanting). The temple room was on the second floor and was painted bright yellow. The altar curtains parted and there They were, Lord Jagannatha, Lady Subhadra, Lord Balaram, Radha Gopibalava and Gaur-Nitai in the form of a painting of Pancatattva. The chanting of Hare Krishna began, men on one side and women on the other with a path left open down the middle between the altar and a big cushioned chair in the back of the room with a picture of an Indian Swami on it. Tears came. It was all so beautiful. My inner feeling was, “This chanting is the magic that will melt the hard hearts of the people of the world.” I started to ask if I could stay overnight. I only managed to say “May I stay?..” the answer was immediate. “Yes!”

Whatever the devotees asked me to do I was ready to do. 16 rounds of Hare Krishna maha-mantra on beads everyday. No problem. No meat fish or eggs, no illicit sex, no intoxicants, no gambling. Very good. Wear a sari. Fine.  Clean the bathroom. Yes. Chant for hours on end in the streets. Ecstatic. Up at 3 am and take a cold shower. Will do. Whatever I was asked to do I was ready to do.

Anything. Just let me stay. Chant and hear the Holy Name, take prasadam and hear the philosophy in the association of the devotees. After some time, I asked for formal initiation without really understanding what I was asking for. The temple president wrote to Srila Prabhupada for permission to perform an initiation ceremony for myself and a few other aspiring disciples. I can’t remember who. Someone received gayatri mantra for second initiation. And I was given a new name, Meena Devi Dasi. Two years at the Boston temple on North Beacon Street. Blissful life fully engaged in Krishna consciousness. Several temple leaders came and went at the Boston Temple and the atmosphere changed. There were padlocks on doors and regimentation was in the air.

A kind of harshness. I was assigned to cleaning the temple room seven days a week. No more harinam, no more book distribution for me or any of the women. I was simply to clean all day, everyday. The joyfulness had eroded and instead   there was a labor camp. I eventually left, even though it was December in Boston and I had only beach flip-flops and no coat. No money. My parents’ house was a few hours away and after two days of listening to me chant Hare Krishna on my beads non stop they offered to buy me a one way ticket anywhere in the world. LA temple 1974 was a hub of activity. Artists and the BBT. Book distribution on a grand scale. Harinam. College programs. Elaborate Deity worship.

A large grhasta (householder) community with children. The Spiritual Sky incense business. And Srila Prabhupada was there. He was personally present overseeing the translation and printing of his books. He was giving class everyday.

Attending Tulasi Devi (a plant sacred to Krishna) and book distribution were my services. This was the life. Once again fully and blissfully engaged in service. Ready to do whatever I was asked. Then Srila Prabhupada’s visit was over. The temple authorities arranged to send me to Washington, DC temple located at that time on Q St. Once again I had the opportunity to care for Tulasi and go on book distribution. Once again I was fully engaged and feeling very blissful.

Srila Prabhupada disappeared from our material vision in 1977. I heard about his departure from a hippie boy at Washington National Airport. When I opened the Srimad Bhagavatam book and the boy saw Srila Prabhupada’s picture, he told me. He had just come from New Vrindavana. And everyone there was frantic. Back at the temple, now located in Potomac, the devotees were devastated. No one knew what to do. We were all at a complete loss. We awaited instructions from the senior managers. The message came. There were new acaryas (gurus). Satsvarupa Maharaja would be the guru for Washington, Baltimore and Gita Nagari (community in Pennsylvania). And there were other acaryas for other zones. Everyone should continue their services as usual. That was it. Srila Prabhupada was gone.

The atmosphere became saturated with the idea that he had made disciples, some of whom had now become gurus. The others, well they didn’t make it. They were flunkies. Excess baggage. Everyone was now to worship the new gurus and help them to make disciples. But how can the disciples of Srila Prabhupada worship any other guru than Srila Prabhupada I wondered, physically present or not?

There was now another vyasasana (Guru’s seat of honor) in the temple for the new guru, and the new guru had special mantras and a new title, “Gurupada” His disciples were to bow down and recite these mantras for him and sing these special mantras out loud at kirtan. If I am at kirtan do I stop singing when the special mantra is sung, or do I sing it too just to keep things going? What do I do when I come into the temple room? Do I just ignore the new vyasasana? When the guru puja (worship) is performed for the new guru, do I go out into the hall? This was all very disturbing and completely confusing. My whole life changed in one split second.

One minute I am a servant and disciple of Srila Prabhupada, and the next he’s gone. Srila Prabhupada is not available in the temple. Only the new gurus that he “appointed” are there. There was no shelter anywhere. Not Gita Nagari, not Baltimore, not Brooklyn, not Atlanta. The new gurus were in charge. I was old news. Not needed, not wanted. I was in the way. The years of despair and misery that ensued are inconceivable. Wandering in the wilderness, so to speak.

Distributing Srila Prabhupada’s books whenever possible, chanting japa, studying. Struggling to follow the regulative principles, alone. Not understanding the sequence of events that had happened. But keeping faith in Krishna and Srila Prabhupada. Never losing faith. But what happened to ISKCON? Knowing there is a reason for everything and that Krishna is there. Wondering why I was allowed to live a useless and meaningless life without service to Srila Prabhupada and Lord Chaitanya’s movement. Why the temples had changed so much? And when I visited I was not welcome. I was a stranger, an intruder. An outsider. When I was welcomed it was with the words “You like our guru?”

Once I brought 2 dozen roses for Srila Prabhupada to the Atlanta temple and the head pujari (priest) snapped at me that he was very busy serving his guru (“Acaryapada”) and that I should serve mine. During arotika (worship of the Deities) one of the women disciples of the new guru made it a point not to offer the ghee lamp to me at arotika. She purposefully turned her back on me and not let me accept the flame.

It was all very bewildering ….until I read “The Final Order” by Krishnakant prabhu. What I read there made my hair stand on end. Here was information I previously had no access to. There had been a serious deviation from Srila Prabhupada’s instructions for the management of ISKCON.

He had appointed ritvik priests only, not acaryas (gurus). The disciples he had appointed had taken the appointment too far claiming to be initiating gurus upon the departure of Srila Prabhupada. Indeed, Srila Prabhupada had put everything in place for the smooth running of his movement after his departure. Nothing was to change upon his physical departure. This was all fully documented in “The Final Order”. I immediately contacted IRM and they put me in contact with Mother Vani and Brahmabhuta prabhus at the Radha Govinda Temple in Lower Manhattan.

This has made me so very happy. The temple is surcharged with Srila Prabhupada’s special mercy. The small Gaura Nitai Deities extend their blessings to everyone who enters. The Sunday feasts are fantastic, the singing and dancing is lively and full of bliss. The classes are straight from Srila Prabhupada’s Bhagavad-Gita As It Is. I live in Tennessee and visit whenever I can. I am sending a percentage of my income for supporting the activities there. And I love to embroider the little hankies for serving the Deity. Mother Vahi prabhu calls every week and we read from Srila Prabhupada’s books.

Right now we are midway through the Madhya-lila vol. 3 of Sri Caitanya-caritamrta. My health is not so good lately, as my body is aging and limiting what I can actually do. I dream of moving to New York and serving in the preaching there. I am so relieved to find disciples of Srila Prabhupada who understand what has happened to the management of his movement and who are actively working to set things in order. I am also trying to preach about Srila Prabhupada whenever I get the opportunity.

I have held programs in my area, where I try and introduce people to the glories of Srila Prabhupada. I will never leave Srila Prabhupada. He ‘s my hope, my life and soul. If everyone on the entire planet were to abandon Srila Prabhupada , I will still be praying to him for service. IRM is giving me the association of disciples who are following Srila Prabhupada and the opportunity to render service to him and his movement, ISKCON – as he intended it to be. This is ecstatic. “Back To Prabhupada” magazine is exposing the deviations of the current leadership of ISKCON and the embarrassing results.

Meena Devi (ACBSP), Tennessee, USA