WARNING: Disturbing images of Isk’Con’s child molester
may offend some viewers. Discretion is strongly advised.
“They all look like horrible old freak monsters already … and their karma is only getting started. People who torture little children will then be tortured by Yamaduttas … we know that … they do not.“
SHRI DAS ANU DASA:
My name is Shri Das Anu dasa. I am 43 years old. I was born in this movement my parents are disciples of Srila Prabhupada. I was severely sexually, physically, and mentally abused—tortured from my childhood all the way into my early teenage years. I have understood to some extent the impact this abuse has had and is having on my life, but I suspect that I will be processing what happened for the rest of my life.
To survive, I had to bury a lot of my pain and focus on developing strength to protect myself. Part of this process led me to think I had moved on and left the past behind. As time goes on, I realise more and more how much the abuse I suffered in ISKCON as a child, has negatively impacted me. Because of this abuse though, I felt called to dedicate my adult life to ensuring that others did not undergo the same abuse that I did. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like my abuse at the hands of the society has ever ended, as I now find out that my own guru abused my wife, and my own family is breaking under the weight of his abuse.
When I was four years old, I was sent to a boarding Gurukula in New Govardhan Australia. I remember screaming and holding my mother’s hand. She promised she would see me at mangal-arati the next morning. I was the first kid up that next morning, and went to meet her. When I got to the temple I ran to look for her, but she was gone. This was, in my young mind, a total breach of my trust and the deepest betrayal, and it hardened my heart.
My relationship with my mother has still not yet fully recovered. I have worked so damn hard to try to let it go, but still my relationship with my mother is affected by this early experience. The most amazing thing is my memory. Because it was my mother who dropped me off, I didn’t even remember that My father was also there. It was only years later that my mother in tears told me he was there and that it was his idea to leave saying it would be easier for me.
For many years I couldn’t even remember what happened to me. I couldn’t remember the abuse I suffered. I “forgot” it, as a survival tactic. The first time I can clearly remember being abused was when I was about 6 or 7 years of age. It seemed innocent I was swimming with a group of older girls and they where playing with me in the water. I remember having fun but I remember my genitals where touched.
I remember having my genitals touched by older boys in New Govardhan Gurukula as well. At 8 years of age, I was sent on my own to Mayapur Gurukula. That was in 1987. In Mayapur Gurukula, I was anally raped, and also forced to perform oral sex on an older boy. I was beaten brutally by the older boys and the young men to toughen me up. I had numerous experiences of being coerced into performing mutual masturbation with older boys as well. My friends and I was slapped and beaten by the Mayapur managers when they were “investigating” child abuse in Mayapur.
This was in the early 90’s. I was also sexually molested by a teacher. I buried all of that abuse deep down, and went back to Australia as a dysfunctional over-sexualized teenager at the age of 15. I got into alcohol, drugs and completely rebelled against all of the rules of ISKCON. I was socially withdrawn and dysfunctional in many ways. Now when I look back at that time it makes me cringe. But I always projected confidence because I truly believed it was my karma and I just had to be strong enough to overcome it. In many ways I did. I got my life together and moved back to Mayapur to try to ensure kids were not abused in the way that I had been.
I was always torn working with BVPS, who was also my guru. As I realized more and more the impact of what I had been through, I blamed him as he had been in charge. I challenged him daily and the first thing i did when I got here was side-line him in the girl’s gurukula, and then even in the boy’s gurukula. I had to fight with many of his supporters and even with BVPS every step of the way too. I have done my utmost to transform the gurukula into what it is today and there is still so much more to do. Children deserve to grow up experiencing all that Krsna Cosciousness has to offer in a safe environment.
Some years ago XXX das came to me and said that BVPS had touched his wife XXX dasi’s breasts. I was ill-equipped to navigate dealing with the revelation that our guru having touched XXX das’s wife’s breasts. Importantly, XXX das came to me XXXX, not as an ISKCON leader though, and equally important is that I asked him what he wanted me to do. I said I would support whatever XXX das and XXX dasi wanted to do. Both he and his wife said they would handle things themselves. I can see now how that was and is impossible.
Finally, it’s critical to note that XXX das explained that BVPS had touched her breasts a few times as a legal adult. Even though XXX das said he would handle it himself, I still confronted BVPS about the issue on my own. I felt compelled to. BVPS said he would apologize to them both and that he had moved forward spiritually and would never do anything like that again. I can see now that I accepted his answer too easily. Even though I considered it a XXXX, and not my right to report, I now realize that I should have at least sent XXX das to a respected senior devotee for counsel. For a couple of years after this I followed up with XXX das and his wife to see how they were.
They said they were getting better and dealing with things. I sometimes get feedback that I just put blinders on and keep moving forward. Honestly speaking I feel it’s the only way I survived my childhood abuse. I always thought of it a strength, but I am realizing that it’s not a real strength and it’s not the way forward now.
Recently XXX dasi and XXX das started suffering a great deal. We found out that they were reporting BVPS’s abuse of XXX dasi. When my wife found out that XXX dasi had been abused, she became immediately sick with grief and said that she thought she had protected all the girls from that. She tried to hang herself a couple days later.
I did not understand what she had meant by that initial statement until several days after that, when the story about what she had suffered at BVPS’s hands came bubbling out. It was the most difficult time of our lives. I thought that if I had told my wife, at that time when XXX das approached me years ago, about what had happened to XXX dasi, then perhaps my wife’s trauma would have come out back then and she could’ve been spared some years of suffering in silence.
I went from feeling like I had protected my wife and XXX dasi to feeling like I had failed them both. Because I was not protected, protecting others has been a strong part of my personality, but it still seems like I failed everyone.
Going back even further, I wish the CPO had dealt with my wife’s case with more care and compassion. If the CPO had taken the time to interview her back then, and if they had dealt with her more transparently and with some compassion, then I think she may have felt comfortable enough to talk about the abuse she suffered. And the healing for everyone could have started much earlier. Instead, she wasn’t treated very well during the investigation (they didn’t even interview her), and it left her feeling lost, helpless, and abandoned by the society. The whole experience ended up further hardening our hearts in some ways.
I have heard that XXX das and his wife feel like I should have and could have done more, and that I didn’t help them enough. I accept this. It grieves me, as I know my intention was to support them. I just always believed that you ultimately have to deal with your problems yourself, as nobody can really help you.
I got involved in education in ISKCON to try to create a better future for the kids. I have learned much over the years. I have done a lot for the children and never want what happened to me to happen to anyone else. Not on my watch. That’s why I came back. I never really got any support from any leaders in my efforts though.
Even outside of the school, I had to fight to re- establish the CPT in Mayapur as it had become defunct. I feel sometimes that I am being tortured by the society. I got shafted as child, I got shafted as a young adult, I got shafted as a married man and even my Guru shafted me. It never ends.
Speak Your Mind